Wow! High five, low five and all the other fives!!(??) I am so thrilled and happy that Robert, my better half (his term, not mine!) not only agreed , but actively wanted to contribute to this blog! If you knew what an intensely private person he is (and some do!) you would realise why this is worthy of a round of applause! He deserves my Jacqui Gong for so many reasons, but this task is beyond the call...Also I was so excited to read it because his literary talent goes before him. Add his dry wit to that and..voila..perfect blogging material!
I can't begin to explain how stressful and wearing it must be to live day-in day-out with someone with cancer over a long period of time. Only HE can really tell you what that has been like. We have been to hell and back, but as he says we are in a good place now, despite my illness .He has travelled this uneven path with me and is still at my side and I thank him daily for that. I fell in love with him (instantly) because of his sense of humour (and NOT just because he's 6'3", with boyish good looks and had excellent prospects!) It's his ability to turn a tragedy into a comedy that has kept me going. He didn't sign up for this but he has risen to the task with a love and kindness that is rare to find, and that makes me feel so proud and privileged that he is My Robert! Here is his version of events:
l earning
curve (as both wife & husband and patient and carer (carer competence open to some question here) has been a steep
one – but we are in good pl ace, al beit via a route neither of us coul d have imagined when we first pl anted our feet on the green fiel ds of Athens back in 1997 (or was that the bit of
shrub land at the back of the apartment?).
We pl anned a l ong l ife
in Greece - whose beauty
(outside Athens l e and perfect cl imate had al ready
captivated us.
I therefore recal l strongl y
how strange it was one evening to be sitting on the balcony, enjoying a warm
sunny evening and discussing a l ump
that Jacqui had recentl y discovered.
We had absol utel y no idea what was to follow….
l so amazing
what then goes through your mind. "Hang on a minute – is this a scam to convince
us that Jacqui has cancer and for the doctor / hospital
to wring as much money as they can out of us and the company medical insurance? " However, faith prevailed and we never sought a second opinion.
l l with me – she has suffered by god, but she is stil l here
fighting. No magical fix yet exists,
so her treatment has been reactive but stil l state-of-the-art from current medical thinking. It coul d
be that a diet of wil d berries from
the Panamanian rainforest, or bile from the gall bladder of the pygmy sloth,
are a panacea for some – but from what I have witnessed Jacqui’s periods of
remission have been hard won through true grit and the progression of conventional science.
l d transl ate into a fierce
fight for l ife! Subsequently we both agreed that the col d-cap
was not the way to go and I have in recent years started to get feel ing back in my fingers. Sadl y
though – I wil l
never be abl e to pl ay the piano again ! Famil y
sing-a-l ongs, after a l ong day’s ski-ing are now a thing of the past for
us both.
As you may imagine over the years we have become slaves to the Greek hospital system (albeit private) - and like many long-term kidnapees have become somewhat defensive of our captors. In truth, Jacqui is surrounded by a great team of carers at the hospital
– and whil e the need for that in
principl e is sad, we cannot say
enough about the goodwil l of the people. So not exactly Stockholm syndrome –
but Jacqui freely admits that she draws comfort from the good attention in what
has become a second home – bed, satellite tv, ac, private wc & shower, refrigerator,
plentiful cupboard space, chicken soup - mashed potato & pork chop
(unsalted – I know that as I’ve eaten it quite a few times), and no
housework.
That said - be it private or the national heal th brown
envel ope system (fakelaki in l ocal parl ance), the system requires a visit to the Accounts
office before any gl impse of a bed,
a drip or a vivid green gown.
We were al ittl e naïve to say the l east
when we first bowl ed up to the
registration desk – proudl y
announcing that we were with BUPA and that Jacqui needed a room.
Thel ook of
incomprehension was startl ing – we
coul d have equal l y said
that I had a Man at C&A card and woul d
that do ?
Many many many visitsl ater,
taking advantage of Jacqui’s grasp of Greek and the hel p
of a dear col l eague
in my office, we have the admissions to Hotel California down to a fine art.
l y, the
doctor’s office where Jacqui was first treated was l ocated
in the Maternity ward. Sitting in the waiting area, I retain these fixed images
of l adies of al l ages shuffl ing
al ong the corridors in sl ippers and pyjamas – and wearing big nappies! Then moving onto the cancer ward with further
shuffl ing / pyjamas and sl ippers – I couldn’t help thinking that if I am ever
finally consigned to such a corridor promenade, I hope that my mind or the
drugs will have al ready transported me to
a beautiful Greek sunset overl ooking the sea (and the pampers are undetectable!) .
I do wonder often if I would display a fraction of Jacqui’s bravery in the face of her suffering? To that end she has boldly resisted the slipper shuffle and very long may that continue !!
l e in a
room, many of them possibl y dying,
and yet they wil l al l be condensed in a fifth of the space around the
door to the doctor’s office.
2 important things also to know about our Greek friends at this juncture – no sense of embarrassment and no sense of queuing. This comes as a bit of shock to dear ol d Brits
who are taught at a young age to be sel f
conscious / critical (even when
succeeding), and that standing at the back of a queue al l day doesn’t matter – as l ong
as you have done the right thing…
Suffice to say, that grand gestures of importance (and pushing) are king in a Greek waiting room – irrespective of heal th. And being British here will kill you long
before the cancer!
l l y ushered into the hal l owed ground, it al ways
strikes me that despite numerous bl ood
tests, CT scans and pneumatic MRI bombardments that Jacqui has endured – and
with a fil e of 20 pl us x-rays, the doctor always manages to fl ick through these in 10 seconds – then proudly pronouncing
that he is “content”.
Admirably, Jacqui will never be fobbed off and the doctor then has to respond to her many questions and a keen self-diagnosis (after many years of personal research borne from self-preservation) that is now bordering on professional knowledge.
Having endured this cross-questioning, with much relish he then announces that he is thinking ofl eaving
his wife for a younger beauty and would value our opinion - You coul dn’t
make something l ike that up !
Morals aside and asunder – we still believe strongly in his stewardship of Jacqui’s life over these many years.
l beit
from the cl oset (or shoul d I say a cave somewhere on Mars).
"In sickness and in health" is an easily repeated phrase during a ceremony, but in those early days I was not pre-prepared to watch & support Jacqui’s suffering with any great empathy, and nor to see aspects of our life together (as we had envisaged it at that time) slowly stripped away.
I read statistics showing that many marriages do in fact fall by the wayside in these circumstances – which is very sad.
For the first time, I recently shaved Jacqui’s head (as you do – to stop hair falling all over the bed) and felt a great sense of togetherness. Hard to describe in words and certainly not often seen in a prenuptial agreement.
And she does have a lovely shaped head!
As I said from the outset we are now in a good place and
while our lifeplans for global navigation and social frivol ity have been somewhat curtailed - a coffee in town
is as good as a cocktail in paradise
if you are with the right person.
The role of the partner is also to keep a sense of grounding when the disease at times takes its grip. I have often said to Jacqui that the day she cannot iron me 5 shirts is the day to really be concerned – and she feels that too.
Actually she doesn’t, and has remarked recently that the iron is getting a bit heavy.
Need to think about a lighter option (note to carers).
I can't begin to explain how stressful and wearing it must be to live day-in day-out with someone with cancer over a long period of time. Only HE can really tell you what that has been like. We have been to hell and back, but as he says we are in a good place now, despite my illness .He has travelled this uneven path with me and is still at my side and I thank him daily for that. I fell in love with him (instantly) because of his sense of humour (and NOT just because he's 6'3", with boyish good looks and had excellent prospects!) It's his ability to turn a tragedy into a comedy that has kept me going. He didn't sign up for this but he has risen to the task with a love and kindness that is rare to find, and that makes me feel so proud and privileged that he is My Robert! Here is his version of events:
A Cure for Sl ippers
?
While reading Jacqui’s vibrant bloggings (sorry tech-speak)
and reflecting upon the great bravery (and sheer damn defiance) that she has
and continues to throw in the face of this relentless 24/7 experience – my mind
is drawn to key moments and feel ings
that have had a major impact on us as a coupl e
and which have run the gamut of both deep emotion and surprising humour.
Our
It was onl y a few
years in, and we had al ready
retreated from the standard expat city l ifestyl e, to find some greenery and a bigger garden fit
for dogs. Even before Jacqui’s diagnosis, I was al ready
displ aying symptoms of earl y pottering – and we had just rescued our bel oved Fl oyd
(a deaf, wonderful l y stupid and l oving
Dogo Argentino) from a petshop window.
I therefore reca
Fast forward to a hospital
waiting room and I can stil l see the doctor emerging from Jacqui’s initial operation wearing a respl endentl y vivid green outfit, without a mark on him. In
perfect Greek / German dialect (betraying his years of training), he formally
announced that while only one l ymph
node was mal ignant - apparently the
body’s traffic l ights had gone green
and al l
nodes had to be removed to prevent further spread. I hadn’t paid much attention
in Biology classes, especially when it came to lymph nodes – but we had agreed
in advance that he would do what was necessary. I recall feeling very confused
and lonely while Jacqui was still on the operating table.
It’s a
X years l ater – I
woul d now l ike
to bang the drum for conventional wisdom
!!
Jacqui is sti
As Jacqui bl ogged
– the first day of chemo (9/11) wil l stay with us forever. As the TV screen showed the
2nd pl ane hitting the
towers, Jacqui was sat there wearing an ice-col d
boxer’s hel met and squeezing my hand
so tightl y she nearl y ruptured my knuckl es.
I knew then that such a determination to keep her hair, despite
the barbaric headwear, wouAs you may imagine over the years we have become slaves to the Greek hospital system (albeit private) - and like many long-term kidnapees have become somewhat defensive of our captors. In truth, Jacqui is surrounded by a great team of carers at the hospita
That said - be it private or the nationa
We were a
The
Many many many visits
To be honest - I hate
being in hospitals. There can be few greater feelings than to walk out of a
hospital on two l egs and under your own steam. It is like
regeneration, like sleep - you shoul d
be abl e to bottl e it!
BizarreI do wonder often if I would display a fraction of Jacqui’s bravery in the face of her suffering? To that end she has boldly resisted the slipper shuffle and very long may that continue !!
I shouldn’t forget also the politics of the hospital waiting room, another almost surreal take on life
for those consigned to seek salvation from their medical messiah.
50 peop2 important things also to know about our Greek friends at this juncture – no sense of embarrassment and no sense of queuing. This comes as a bit of shock to dear o
Suffice to say, that grand gestures of importance (and pushing) are king in a Greek waiting room – irrespective of hea
And then to great fanfare Papa Doc comes marching in – with
al l
of us yearning for that gl ance of
recognition that wil l l ikel y beckon us as first in the queue - and undeniabl y most important. Such recognition is al most as good as a cure.
When finaAdmirably, Jacqui will never be fobbed off and the doctor then has to respond to her many questions and a keen self-diagnosis (after many years of personal research borne from self-preservation) that is now bordering on professional knowledge.
Having endured this cross-questioning, with much relish he then announces that he is thinking of
Morals aside and asunder – we still believe strongly in his stewardship of Jacqui’s life over these many years.
As for my darling wife I can only scratch the surface here in
describing the level of inspiration that she has instilled in me in the face of
her battle for life.
I feel it is also time to come out now and say that as a Man
I have tried to be a carer – a"In sickness and in health" is an easily repeated phrase during a ceremony, but in those early days I was not pre-prepared to watch & support Jacqui’s suffering with any great empathy, and nor to see aspects of our life together (as we had envisaged it at that time) slowly stripped away.
I read statistics showing that many marriages do in fact fall by the wayside in these circumstances – which is very sad.
I can only say that through a number of trials we have
laughed, cried, shouted, screamed and sat in periods of strained silence – most
of that coming from me.
We have had to compromise and lose any sense of rage against
the disease, but always the over-riding love between us has kept us strong and
together.For the first time, I recently shaved Jacqui’s head (as you do – to stop hair falling all over the bed) and felt a great sense of togetherness. Hard to describe in words and certainly not often seen in a prenuptial agreement.
And she does have a lovely shaped head!
The role of the partner is also to keep a sense of grounding when the disease at times takes its grip. I have often said to Jacqui that the day she cannot iron me 5 shirts is the day to really be concerned – and she feels that too.
Actually she doesn’t, and has remarked recently that the iron is getting a bit heavy.
Need to think about a lighter option (note to carers).
Finally, I read recently that progress in breast cancer
research is now leaping forwards and we can only hope that Jacqui may benefit.
Meantime – we will continue to follow the conventional path and fret about it as
little as we can.
As we sit on our terrace overlooking the bay and admiring the sun setting over the water, I glance down and notice that I am
wearing Lidl slippers – now that is
worrying………………. 
