Life is a Rollercoaster (Just gotta ride it!)

Don't worry it's not another song, (although, Gemma, if you're up for it THIS one's yours!) No, I just thought I would write an interim blog whilst awaiting my "guest bloggers'" contributions to the "My People Blog"........and, well, I was lying awake last night (Steroid Insomnia..another song....????) after Chemo no. 48 and  felt I owe you a treatment update. (To be frank , it saves me doing a round robin newsletter thing, unless THIS is actually doing that?) Anyway you're getting one, if you read on, which is your choice, of course, no pressure at all...OK?

At the hospital last week, not at the bar, but drinking the aperitif they give you 2 hours before your CT scans!

Yesterday was my 5th session on this particular Merry--go-round, and it struck me that Life/Cancer/ Chemo are all like being on a Rollercoaster! And that then led on to analogies with other fairground rides. (3am this morning, remember). It sounded like a good idea in my head, but lets see what happens as I write it!!)..Still with me? Good children!

It's like this: Life is cyclical like the merry-go-round..birth, school, dating, marriage, kids, getting older,dying... kids getting partners,their own kids, school etc. etc. At some point we have to get off, If we're enjoying it, we choose to go round for as long as we can but eventually the ride, enjoyable as it is, comes to an end. Cancer and chemo can be like this too. Lots of cancers ARE curable and people don't keep going round again, by choice (unlike Life, it is inherently unpleasant, so why WOULD you?), but my particular cancer and the stage I'm at won't let me get off. I don't want to keep getting back on the horse, but I don't have any choice. If I choose to get off its because MY horse is being put out to the fairground carousel horse pasture.
Also, the Big Dipper ride can be like Life..the highs and the oh so lows. Climbing slowly to the highest point, then plummeting the depths at break-neck speed. Going through cancer and chemo is like a speeded-up version of this. You are constantly hoping for the next high, waiting, hoping that the next test results will show improvement, utter euphoria, sometimes for only seconds, when they ARE good, but plummeting down like a lead weight, when they are bad. Let me stress, its only like this after repeated treatments, because at stage 4,  even if everything looks great, the current chemo regime is behind you,  you know that sometime in the next few months whilst you're sitting laughing , strapped in safely in the Rollercoaster car, enjoying the ride with your friends/family, you KNOW that at the top of the bend comes the next terrifying view of the bottom curve of that ride. The thing is though, that you stay on it, because you can't get off. If you tried that mid-ride........!!!!!!!
Now I'm writing this, it seems a little lugubrious (LOVE that word..just wanted to slot that one in!)

But, think about the fairground analogy on other rides...the waltzer (obvious..living fast and loose, youth, fun, fearless spills and thrills, but sometimes you feel sick and you stop. When you're older, you just can't face it any more!). The Crazy House..uneven foundations, dark passages, shakiness! The Horror House.....dark thoughts, nightmares, what's around the next corner?????????BOO!!!!!
The Hall of Mirrors, my personal favourite..can make you feel tall and willowy or short and fat! Unsightly lumps and bumps you didn't know you had. Distorted facial features...thank GOD it's only mirrors and you're really Angelina Jolie or George Clooney. (substitute your favourite sex idol here...I'm not telling you mine, but it's not Anjie!!) So on and on we could go with the fairground analogies, but it's time to tell you why I've been on a horrible Rollercoaster recently and many times wanted to unbuckle and jump off, but obviously I'm not as brave as I think I am!

This latest treatment has been harsh. No side -effects are great and I can't really explain WHY this set are so nasty. It's just that it seems worse than the other 6 regimes I've done since the very beginning. I have aching limbs, feet, hands all the time, like flu. My stomach cramps for the first week continually. I have neuropathy in my hands and feet, pain and numbness, tingling like electric shocks (worst in the 1st ten days of the 3 week cycle). At the beginning it was hard to get more than an hour's sleep, because the aching limbs and the neuropathy(like any pain) are worse at night)......I am exhausted for about 18 days, but even on chemo days have to keep sitting down, walking slowly because I feel so tired and weak......
SO I had a BIG Rollercoaster free-fall on Wednesday, when  I got my Tumour Marker results. After 4 treatments, they had gone up...a lot! This doesn't (hasn't) usually happen(ed) when I'm on a treatment, so I really had a moment there when I was ready to unbuckle and get off the ride. However, it was a MOMENT (a few hours actually), because the Dr.s need to see your CTs as well to decide what to do. I called my lovely female  Oncologist,Dr. S. (My oncologist team will be in my "My People" blog, but not as contributors, as I haven't dared tell them about it!)
I asked her to pick up my CTs which I'd done the previous week. She called me after some time (seemed like being stuck at the top of the Big Wheel for an eternity),but told me the tumours in the liver are STABLE! They call this clinical benefit, which means the drug is holding them at bay for now and thats pretty good to hear! So..upshot is, I'm still on the ride..just gotta ride it ..until THEY tell me to get off. I'm getting used to this treatment and am handling the side-effects with (guess what? ) MORE drugs, , (Eyes Right, the drugs for the drugs drawer!)but I reckon I can stay on the ride for as long as it's doing some good. If it starts to churn things up(more tests will tell)  I'll be getting off, but going on a different ride..Hope it's the Hall Of Mirrors and I can look like my personal favourite celebrity and NOT like Anjelina!!

All for now, back with more guest bloggers soon. By the way, please comment if you have some much cleverer fairground ride analogies ( for instance I missed out Life's temptations..candy-floss and hot dogs!) or want to rewrite the lyrics of that memorable Irish ex-boyband member's song!  I know some people have had problems commenting. I think you have to post a comment with a name (any you like, Anjelina!) and then click on publish???? Worth a try and we'd love to hear more feedback. Is this "helping" anyone?? We hope so!!

 Bye, cup of green tea, then a snooze methinks zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!